Let’s Solve the Health Food Crisis!

There has been quite a bit of angst, anger and political finger pointing lately about one very important issue – Health Food Reform. I normally stay out of such political discussions in my little blog, but I have very strong feelings about this particular subject area.

First of all we should realize that the health food crisis is real. A recent statement by President Obama included a startling statistic: Over forty-seven million people in this country don’t have access to health food. Imagine that – literally millions of American citizens have no way of accessing quality granola, free-range chicken, or a reliable source of dietary fiber!

People who oppose the health food reform movement refute this statistic. They say that everybody in this country has access to fresh fruit, mineral supplements and soy milk whenever they “really need it.” Of course, the people in opposition draw the line at allowing illegal aliens to be able to attain health food in this country. This is more than a little ironic since the illegal aliens actually pick, package and ship most of the health food in the US.

Citizens in our country who have privately funded or even self-funded health food say that the costs are rising out of control. A basket of bean shoots, tofu and organically grown radishes has gone up seventeen percent during this lunar cycle alone. Company funded health food is being dropped by many large corporations or it is being shunted off to their employees.

This huge and high fiber problem has led the more liberal politicians to suggest a “single grocer” system that is funded by the government. They say that quality health food is a right and that they won’t rest until every single American, (including people from Mexico who are pretending they are American) has a bowl full of tasteless and bland vegetables grown on farms that only use composted yak poop as a fertilizer and not those evil chemicals that in the past have eradicated malaria, tripled the productivity of our farms and when placed on our underarm “areas” have reduced BO by seventy seven percent.

I am sure that by now you are burning with a desire to know what I think of the current health food crisis. While I believe that everybody deserves a good daily poop and clean blood vessels I have to say right here that I am not in favor of unlimited free health food for everybody in the country. For example, if we pass health food reform does that mean that there will be more broccolis in our homes? I hate broccoli with a white-hot hate that you may have trouble understanding. I base this hated on the undeniable fact that when you cook broccoli it always makes the entire room smell like organic yak farts.

That’s right, I said “farts” and I am not ashamed to admit that I would much rather have a hotdog made from various extra parts found on pigs than one made of bean curds and good intentions.
No matter what you believe on the subject, I think you’ll agree that there will be some major changes coming up in our health food over the next few years.

My suggestion to you out there that share my hatred and fear of broccoli to stock up on alternatives like Twinkies ® and microwave barbeque rib sandwiches to see yourself through the upcoming hippy-led onslaught on our colons.