Alas, Grass

April 6, 2009 § 4 Comments

I read an article the other day that talked about using forests and trees for carbon credits. That’s right – if you own a forest you can now rent it out and people can buy carbon credits from you so they can feel good about producing heat, energy and all of those other pesky things civilized people seem to want.

          Apparently, trees take in carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen!

          Who ever could have guessed that? Well… it turns out that just about everybody knows that plants are natural friends of Al Gore and that they spend their leafy lives converting one potentially bad gas into another potentially good one.

          That leads to a little more respect for your potted palm, doesn’t it?

          Even though we know that living breathing plants produce oxygen, we persist in the silly habit of mowing our grass when it grows. Imagine that – we are killing the potential for saving our planet and making Al Gore cry at the same time.

          There are many other reasons that mowing our grass is a very bad and ill conceived thing to do. The one that springs to this writer’s mind is the fact that mowing grass is more boring that listening to a speech by Al Gore. Pushing or riding a mower (or as I now call them, “planet killers”) is the most boring and mind-numbing activity on the planet, if you don’t count watching paint dry or flies fornicate.

          Mowing burns gasoline and diesel fuel, reducing our world’s supply and increasing our dependence on foreign petrochemicals.

          Mowing grass uses up time that could be better spent studying for a second or third job or enjoying your children.

          Won’t somebody please think of the children??

          Many good things happen when we shun mowing and allow our lawns to flourish in the same way they did during the dinosaur days. For example, if you own a pet and that pet uses your back yard as a bathroom you never have to pick poop up again. In the four foot tall grass it will simply disappear – as will your pet if it is smaller than a Golden Retriever.

          Children (again, won’t you think of them?) tend to fall off of playground equipment. You may have a swing set in your yard. Now that you grass is taller than the top of your house’s first story windows, your child will suffer no harm if he or she falls off of the swing or the slide. In addition, you no longer have to worry about cleaning those first story windows.

          Salespeople, law enforcement officers serving summons and religious fanatics on bicycles or waving little comic booklets will no longer be able to get to your house to bug you. Heck, they may not even be able to see your house.

          You will save a ton of money by not mowing your grass and with that money you might consider taking up smoking or whiskey drinking – two activities encouraged by our state government to help support their programs.

          If you live and/or fly off of a grass strip the non-mowing policy is even more important. Imagine how soft your landing will be in six foot tall grass! I suggest you buy a green airplane.

          Mother Earth needs your help. Please stop mowing your grass and begin to embrace your solidarity with your habitat.



§ 4 Responses to Alas, Grass

  • Anonymous says:

    Just think of the possibilities for baseball and football! And productivity for the rest of us, so we can spend the time curing diseases! I like it!

  • Anonymous says:

    You have forgotten the dreaded enemy of natural yard growth, the local code enforcement officer. It seems no one has any real common sense either. Just let the grass get more than 8 inches deep and “the Man” will nail a notice on your front door to ‘politely’ remind of the need to mow. Florida is going through one of the worst droughts on record, watering bans have been in place so long no one remembers anything different. Now some moronic home owners association is threatening citations or worse if home owners don’t water enough to keep their grass green. The HOA is threatening to have brown sod dug up and replaced at the home owners expense, and if they don’t pay up, they will slap a lien on the home. Last week the pressure of reality came to the HOA doorstep and they have backed off their previous threats. This just happened to coincide with an automatic watering system ban at any time, with hand watering on appropriate days the only panacea for homeowners to salvage what sod and yard plants they can.
    –J. Hardy

  • Anonymous says:

    Brilliantly funny arguments. Okay, you convinced me!

  • Anonymous says:

    Pro-Grass? You want us to be pro-grass? Don’t you realize that grass is an killer alien sleeper cell? If not kept at bay and neatly trimmed, it has been known to consume small animals, people, entire houses and VW busses, whole. You better count your horses; the grass will eat them.

    No, Kevin, you made your mistake when you smoked it, now the aliens have taken control of your brain through their grass technology.


    (you’re still a wild and crazy guy!)

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