Can’t Wait for My Free Money

January 31, 2008 § Leave a comment

Okay; let me see if I understand this correctly. The economy of the United States, and by extension, the world, is entering a recession. Recessions happen from time to time. They are as unavoidable as gnats on picnic ice cream or sneers on Billy Idol. If I remember my economics one-oh-one correctly, things tend to go in a cyclical fashion when you are dealing just about anything; be it business, basketball programs, weather, or national and world economies.

Let’s accept the fact that on occasion, things aren’t going to go along in a lovely, happy-happy-joy-joy fashion. They just can’t. To use a rock and roll metaphor I just thought up, you can let the good times roll, but according to Styx, you have to pay the ferryman to get to the other side.

Listen to the Money Talk…

To continue my dangerous foray into the world of rock and roll voodoo economics, let’s say you have spent too much on amplifiers and have run your credit cards to the limit because you just couldn’t stay away from that sale on leather pants, tongue studs, diamond guitar picks, and blue M&M’s. Your credit is maxed out and the variable rate mortgage on your “crib” is going up, like a Stairway to Heaven.

Even the most stoned rock star, Hell… even the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent would tell you that it is time to pull back, save some money, pay off some credit cards and shoot deer (and various other wildlife) with your bow and arrows to cut food costs. Other rock stars might advise you to start growing your own drugs, wear out your own jeans, and drive yourself to rehab instead of renting a limo. Your manager, after taking his fifteen percent cut of your life, would advise you to fire some staff and maybe vacation this year in Florida instead of the south coast of France.

Your Own Private Idaho?

I am fifty two, but not a B-52 so I can’t tell you that you need to go to your own private Idaho to weather the upcoming financial storm. I can tell you that I have learned from my fifty two years on this planet that you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.

It wouldn’t hurt any of us to cut back a little on the outrageous spending orgy we’ve all been taking part in. Just how many cars do you need? Do we need to eat out every single night? Face facts… Would it kill you to miss an expensive restaurant meal? If you’re like me, you’ve eaten so much during the holidays that when you are outdoors near a lake or a stream, Greenpeace volunteers are probably trying to roll you back into the water because they have mistaken you for a whale.

Eight-Six-Seven-Five-Two-Oh-Nine

According to the recent economic stimulus package passed by the House of Reprehensibles, if your yearly income is below $86,752.09, they are going to send you a check for six hundred bucks. If your income is over Cheri’s phone number, they will double-down and send you a cool twelve hundred simoleons. Unless you were sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time, you might think that the government would encourage the people they send this money-money-money-MONeeee to save at least a little of it or pay down some of their horrible credit card debt.

Cheeses Sliced! Elvis Lives!

You might hope that the recipients of this largess might be able to make the mortgage payment on the house they couldn’t afford in the first place. But, nooo… the government wants you to get the check, cash the check and immediately spend the money on something. It really doesn’t matter to them what you spend this money on as long as you spend it. The worst thing you can do, according to them is save it.

This spending spree will, in theory, keep the great Big Pink Cadillac tooling down the metaphorical economic highway like Elvis going out for twenty seven burgers with sliced cheese, peanut butter, bananas, mayonnaise, and fried shrimp.

China Girl

The money you spend will probably be spent on consumer electronics, clothing, and lead painted toys for the kiddies or maybe some tainted dog food for rover. No matter what you blow your new found wad on, it will all end up in China.

If you wanna rock and roll all night and party every day with the money I don’t blame you, but if you get all excited about the government giving you money that you already sent them in taxes you need to let it be. It is all a three card monte game and it is being played with your cash.

The economy is fine and doesn’t need to change. It is the government we need to change and not just so we can make our own lead painted toys and tainted dog food. I’ll end my lecture with the best rock and roll economic quote ever sung. It was sung by the Beatles at the end of Abby Road and makes more sense than Dubya’s big money give-away to the Chinese:

“And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

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why a golden retriever would make a better president than George W. Bush

January 26, 2008 § Leave a comment

Given the fact that we are facing a presidential election, I thought this would be the best time discuss who it thinks would make the best Commander in Chief.

I thought it over and decided that nobody, even the incumbent, really have what it takes to be a great and effective leader of our nation. I’ve also come to the conclusion that we have to go outside our species to find just the right combination of courage, honesty and intelligence.

I think we should elect a dog.

Initially, my Corgi, Chloe was pushing for the job. After all, there is no animal on earth with more smarts and more desire to run things than a Corgi. It was this very intelligence that disqualified her for the job. Chloe realized that the job of president was no where near as fun as chasing tennis balls, and munching on the odd hoof clipping. Sure, presidents get to eat their share of poop, but it isn’t the good kind. Also, they rarely are let outside to pee and when they do, they draw all sorts of unwanted attention.

When I was pondering all the leadership qualities that George W Bush lacks, I came to the realization that golden retrievers have each and every one. We could, of course, extend this logic all the way out to each and every presidential candidate, but since I only have the performance of Dubya to go by, I’ll probably continue to pick on him.

As a matter of fact, if I had the power to do so I would probably replace Dubya with a golden retriever today.

Here are some qualities that your average golden could bring to the job that the current occupant of the White House lacks:

Honesty: Were there weapons of mass destruction hidden in Iraq? A golden retriever could sniff them out and would never say they were there if there was no actual scent.

A golden retriever never sends other dogs to fight for it. A golden defends its territory but would never mislead anybody into fighting for the dog bones buried under somebody else’s yard.

Grooming: A golden retriever almost always looks good; wet or dry, the breed puts on a good appearance. It is never at a loss for the right message and never looks as confused as Bush does daily. I also suspect that golden retrievers have a larger vocabulary than the current president.

Good Habits: Most dogs would never think of messing up their areas. They might poop outside but would never soil their home if they can help it. The entire city of Washington DC is a septic tank of self-interest, poopy-mouthed talking and dirty laundry. It would take a good dog to clean it all up and keep it ship-shape.

Golden Retrievers are better hand shakers than the president and are more personable. They appear more intelligent and don’t have drinking, DUI’s or lapsed military records in their past. Since they can’t speak, they don’t constantly put their paws in their mouths like Hillary and Obama and others do. If a golden retriever barks, it is probably done to warn you of something, not to promote itself.

Of course, they do have sex with subordinates like Bill Clinton, enjoy putting their noses into smelly situations like Congress, and bury their secrets like almost every politician in the United States. I think we can overlook these flaws and elect a golden retriever based on its qualifications, not its draw-backs.

Any dog over six years old that was born in the United States should be eligible. How could a dog possibly do a worse job than Dubya? No matter what you think of the current president (and I’m sure I’ll hear from you) you have to admit that he can neither carry a dead duck in his mouth as he swims for shore nor catch a Frisbee in this teeth during a mid-air jump.

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Vote for Huck The Humor Writer’s Candidate!

January 17, 2008 § 2 Comments

Note to my readers —

For whatever reason, you have been directed to this old blog entry. I hope you stick around and read it. It is out of date and shows my total lack of talent in predicting political races but I still stand behind the basic premise — that Huckabee would have been the absolute best candidate for us humor writers.

There has been a lack of good political humor out there recently because of the writer’s strike. Even though they never invited me into their little union, I have stood in solidarity with my typing-for-a-living brothers and sisters for over a month.

            All labor strife aside, it is my duty as a writer of satire and cheap shots to jump right back into the political arena and make minimal money making fun of people who are, quite likely, much better than me.

 

Here’s How I See It:

 

The Demagogues

 

            Hillary is probably in shock as she realizes that the word must not have gotten out that she was supposed to win everything. Many people in this country have missed the memo that told the world that any political candidate who went up against the Clinton machine would perish in flames.

            In other words, being the wife of the president might make you a senator in NY (where they elect all sorts of people, even people from Arkansas) but it isn’t a given that the rest of the country will vote for you just because they’d like to date your husband.

            Obama is in the enviable position of being in the lead without having said much of anything about anything. I think once he starts talking about more than what great friends he is with Oprah, he’ll run into trouble. He seems like a nice guy and if he ran for county commissioner I’d vote for him in a heartbeat. I just won’t put a guy who hasn’t been around all that long near the nuclear button. Change for the sake of change is a fad, not a political movement. That leaves various Democrat candidates who are clearly unaware that they have already lost or are too busy waiting for the mother ship to notice that nobody cares.

On To the Republimicans!

Rudy Giuliani is dead in the water. Probably a nice man, I’m sure that all of his various wives have really liked him. He was a good leader in NY during the 911 days, but what has he done for us lately? If he wants to save his campaign, he might consider two things:

 

  • A decent hairpiece, and

 

  • Ride to every event on the side of a fire truck because if we need one thing from this man it is one more reminder of what a great mayor he was during 911.

 

Mitt Romney might end up being the nominee. After all, he looks a little like Reagan, who every true-believing Republican wants to raise from the dead and run again and again. I didn’t care about Romney being a Mormon until he made such a big deal about it. What I did care about was that he said his favorite book is “Battlefield Earth,” written by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. Now, that scares me.

Huckleberry Hound won Iowa with a deft combination of ignorance, religious skullduggery, and uncanny resemblance to Richard Milhous Nixon. If you don’t believe me about his almost looking like a clone of Tricky Dicky, just look at RMN’s early pictures. Huckleberry Hound is this writer’s choice for the nomination because between comparing him to Hanna Barbara cartoons (who will be his Attorney General, Quick-Draw McGraw?) and making fun of his name I’ll live fat and easy for the next four years.

I am pretty sure no more Republicans are running. Wait a minute, I forgot:

John McCain: Great guy, war hero and a man who has more courage in the lobe of his left ear than any other candidate out there. When he talks about how ineffective torture is you can believe him because he underwent years of it.  He would get my vote (if I were registered) except he is getting a little long in the tooth, can’t play the base guitar or the saxophone, and doesn’t have a cool name like Huckabee.And finally, I almost forgot to mention Ron Paul, the only candidate with two first names. Every election needs its zim-dweebie and in 2008 it’ll be Ron. Putting him in charge of the country would be like giving Britney Spears the keys to the liquor and gun cabinets and then leaving your toddlers with her for the night. I’d be willing to be when he wasn’t playing Dungeons and Dragons as a kid he was reading “Battlefield Earth” just like Mitt.

 

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